Amsterdam (final version)
AmsterdamOr: The Flying Dutchman~ A Spenserian love sonnet. For Happy.No town, alive or dead, can claim such fame: A paradise on each and every pileSustaining her. She worships any NameBeneath the sun...
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Happy is a most talented cyberspace poetess, invited by me to write "a Spenserian love sonnet": and so she did! pub8.ezboard.com/fthecrit...4073.topic
View ArticleRe: Amsterdam (final version)
Crispy,I like the poem, but... That was my first reaction. What I think made me say "but..." are the general statements in the poem, e.g.:1. "Eternal" and "Infernal": no need to say this if you make...
View ArticleRe: Amsterdam (final version)
Hi Remco,Thanx for the critique. I will consider all of your points.In the meantime:I've revised "spoil" into "spoils".I've revised line 14 into:This fabled vessel that just cant go down!Former...
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I've lost count of the revisions. Nevertheless: Any negative critique welcome! (Positive feedback too.)
View ArticleRe: Amsterdam (final version)
Crispin,The rewrite is a vast improvement.In L2, will the general reader get the idea that you mean the wooden pillars the town rests on?In L3, is it not grammatically more coorect to say:"Sustaining...
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Hello Remco,Thank you! Great suggestions!-- I revised into: "She worships any Name."-- Furthermore: "She's drugged and having sex, without release." (Instead of: "She lives outrageously, without...
View ArticleRe: Amsterdam (final version)
Crispin,My dear Sir, methinks you have it!Regards,== Remco http://www.geocities.com/remcovdz
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